I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize