whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
