I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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