Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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