next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
