we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We need to get me chipped asap
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
