Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize