i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
