dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
