69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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