made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
