Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
