The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
