So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Bring me that man meat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
