you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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