dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
