Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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