Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
