It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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