You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My ass is underappreciated
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
