His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
should my penis look like a turkey
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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