Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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