I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
