Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
