I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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