they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
