i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They have beer where we have blood.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize