It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you had me at cake vodka
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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