If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
