he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
