Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
