Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
