i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sponge bath it is.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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