The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
