did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
