i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
