Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
