Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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