We're like a lot better than the average bears
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
