Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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