im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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