She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
