I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
