pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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