perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
