This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
They took my balls.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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