So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
