my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
