I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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