I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
