the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
