Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
