i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
