Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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