Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
