the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
